Google News Release: Knolling & Googling Compliance Requirements

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

December 15, 2012
Contact: Eric DeGoogle
The Hague, Netherlands

Google Enterprises Announces Knolling & Googling (KGC) Compliance Standards

Google Enterprises, the largest provider of global knowledge, today announced new Knolling and Googling compliance regulations requiring forced use of all Google and Knolling services. Similar to its Forced Reading Compliance for blogs, announced two years ago, the KGC now requires each person on Earth to Google and Knol at least six times a day or face loss of all access to world knowledge.

Company Czar Steve Jobs, formerly with Apple, Inc., the major designer of iPhone coffee table displays, explained Google's new requirement as "cool" and "awesome." According to Mr. Jobs, KGC will "...consolidate all categories of human thought, furthering human development on a global scale." The KGC website, per Jobs, will display the same "flavor" of Apple's, which is "...easy, getting easier and fun to use."

Details on Google's new plan are sketchy, but top management explained the absolute necessity for viewing its 100 billion indexed web pages. Information on the Web, now that Google controls Wikipedia, all mobile carriers and Android devices in the Mobisphere, is essential to boost page views and click-throughs. Without KGC, reiterated Jobs, Google Enterprises' Mobile Payment Service, previously owned by PayPal, will show a service-level decline. Under KGC, Web surfers will avoid advertising fatigue and maintain a "positive Web experience."

Based on information from an insider at Google Enterprises, information security is assured, as all web traffic will flow through Google's newly released IGoogle Global SuperServer (IGS), developed by IBM, acquired by Google in 2011.

To enforce Google Enterprises' KGC, a new regulatory commission, the KGCC, will monitor all Global web searches and click-throughs. Internet users who don't reach the daily search requirement of six with a minimum of two click-throughs will receive an initial KGCC warning. Access to world knowledge via the Web will decline by 10% per day for non-compliant Internet users. By the tenth day, all global knowledge via the Web is denied until users contact the KGCC via chat or by visiting their nearest Target, the sole distributor of the iGoogle mobile phone. Those who are visually impaired, blind or deaf are exempt.

"The actions taken today by Google Enterprises," says Jobs, "...will ensure the continued dispersion of information and maintain Google Enterprise's $10,000 per share price." For further information, readers should refer to their iGoogle home pages.

Google Enterprises wishes everyone a merry Christmas, Hanukkah or any other celebration not mentioned.

Comments

[Terry Heath]

I enjoyed your use of satire, great job.

Your point is well taken; we do live in the information age, and it can be frightening to see where that might take us.

Thanks again for a great post.

Terry

[connor]

Hey I think I will be spending a many nights knolling myself to sleep. How can you beat it, go knolling and make money. Ive always wanted to be an author and make money at it, or read others knols and help them make some money. In my opinion, knolling will be the knockout punch upper cut slam-dunk take down of wiki-based applications and any other sister or brother, or hybrid information stream, essentially the internet. game over.