FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
April 15, 2013
Contact: Red Redmond
Microsoft today announced Microsoft Vista Lite Online, an alternative to Vista Home Sub-Premium, released in 2009 for Windows PC's running at 3.2Ghz with a minimum of 4 gigabytes of internal memory. Microsoft believes its new lite version offers a powerful solution for Windows users whose computers crash, crawl and stall when loading "Windows It's Alive," Internet Destroyer or type "Mac" in its search window.
Jed Gates, Microsoft's CMO and grandson of Bill Gates, the company's founder, said: "Previous users of Sub-Premium will find Lite Online's user interface easier to navigate and an alternative to Apple's Cougar, released in 2009 for Leopard users who went insane dreaming they were attacked by wild animals.
Microsoft is offering a rebate of two company apparel 
items, including the coveted Microsoft Certified Polo Shirt
, plus the rare 
XP Golf ball, valued at $36.07 on eBay. To receive the rebate, Cougar users must mail the front page of their "Get it Goin" user guide addressed to: Old America, Thanks a Bunch Cougar Rebate, Insecurity Department, Fails Again, MN. Rebate submitters who don't include the Cougar front page or handwrite "Thanks a Bunch," will receive an email containing a Trojan horse, blocking all access to Mac.com.
To register for Vista Lite Online, Windows users login to VLO.com, enter their 20 alpha-numeric-symbol passwords three times, social security and state driver's license numbers, name of their favorite packaged cereal for password re-sets, two credit card numbers and the usual name, address and mobile telephone number. "Windows It's Alive" logins are no longer accepted, since Microsoft discovered that stolen "It's Alive" passwords were responsible for the nation's sub-prime mortgage crisis. Microsoft Money, unlike Quicken, now contains a warning message when users' home equity drops below market value.
Mobile numbers are required by the license, because customers must agree to receive ten text message ads per day on their cell phones from Microsoft and its marketing partners. To soften the blow, Microsoft is including 20 free useful gadgets with each subscription to VLO.
VLO software includes Internet Destroyer 10 Beta, the entire 2013 Microsoft Office Suite--Wordless, De-Excelerate for fast number crunching, PowerLoss, targeted at product managers with little to say, an improved version of Outlook called "Outback" and a stunning new version of Publisher called "De-Compose." According to Steve Ballmer III, "De-Compose" creates outstanding websites but, due to end-user memory problems, restricts user websites to one page." Ballmer added that one-page websites are a new strategic focus for Microsoft and a significant improvement over "Windows It's Alive."
The improved version of VLO only requires 2 gigs PC memory, a 2.2Ghz processor and a 500 gig hard drive for fast memory swapping and the gadgets. Computer users should first check with their ISP's to ensure a minimum 3Mbps connection.
Management would not release annual VLO subscription pricing, but analysts estimate that VLO for users who agree to eliminate the Google search bar will receive an additional 25% yearly discount.
Further VLO details are available at the VLO "It's Alive" website.
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