When I was a kid, my Mom--bless her heart--served spam for breakfast. Things haven't changed much, I guess. Spam now comes out of our computer e-mail programs rather than the frying pan, it's a lot less gooey but it still leaves a bad taste in the mouth.
Been spammed recently? The Google hits just went off the scale: "Email Spam = 22,770,000 and the plain variety--just "spam"--roll the drums, please.... 359,000,000. "Sex" delivered 852,000,000. "Death" came in at 652,000,000. And Michael Phelps has a long way to go; his Google hits just passed 10 million.
Spam is growing faster than corn in Iowa or the national debt. So we should keep things in perspective every time a spammer gets past our computer software filters.
I thought I'd share a few dicey ones with you so you have something amusing to discuss at breakfast. Here's a lady who would like to hire me--sight unseen. She sounds nice too:
----------------SPAM ONE.............
Good day,
My name is Julia Knowles, I work as an employee manager of Natural Resources Inc . Your resume has been found at one of job-sites, and here is the reason I’m eager to offer you an office in our company. (Heck, I really wanted a job, not just the office.)
The business of our company is to purchase and to sale (sic) mineral resources in Europe.
From the moment of the establishing (Poland, 1998)--good year for Polish sausages---our main occupation was coal trading, but further on we substantially broadened the sphere of our interests. (Yes, coal leaves much to be desired.)
We trade mostly in all kinds of the mineral resources being quarried both in Poland, and in other European countries. We render our service to companies as well as to individual investors. (I like being rendered; must save $$$ on the minerals.)
We develop more actively each year and now we are entering the US market of mineral resources and forming the establishment. (Aha, now we know the establishment is Poland-based.)
Our employees are capable to select an adaptable working chart, (I should have told my former boss about this) and we also propose a lot of optional partial vacancies (from several hours a day up)--hmmm, partial vacancies; sounds like a pink slip--and also for those who have no experience in this field, but sense how perspective this market in the US is and that it is not completely occupied yet. (Now, that's the kind of job I want--little competition with lots of perspective.)
Our employees are granted the best operating conditions (personal equipment for convenient communication and work - laptops and Blackberries/Apple iPhones/communicators), paid vacation and other bonuses. (Wow, this is better than Google!) We grant the annual pay of $ and the annual pay of $ for MBA holders. (I guess those MBA's just don't increase your income anymore...oh, well.) The annual pay for holders of other certificates is also discussible. (That's what one of my previous bosses told me, but we never discussed it.) (The pay is given monthly, above the total annual salary is indicated). (You mean, I get a monthly and a yearly salary; count me in.)
We are always eager to respond to any questions and consider the terms of collaboration. You can contact us any time it’s comfortable for you.(You're on! What's your phone number?)
................SPAM TWO..........
Good morning,
My name is Sergey Markov. I am a manager of Magic PC Company. (Great name, I loved magic as a kid.)
Our company are reselling goods in Russia (Notebooks, digital cameras and etc). Often our clients prefer buy goods directly from US stores it more cheap then buy in Local russian shops. But most USA shops and stores not ship orders oversears. (Sears won't ship; I'll write the CEO.)
So we are offerring mail forwarding service for our clients. Quantity of orders from USA stores grows every day. So we need more partners in USA for order processing. (Yeah, getting those orders out the door is a hassle.)
We would like to offer the perspective partnership to you. We propose a vacancy of the regional agent. (Poor guy got canned, but his plight is my right, eh?) The average salary will be about $2000-4500 monthly. (Is it tax-free?)
Correspondence manager regional agent
Job description: - Mail Forwarding
Requirements:
- Home Computer with e-mail account and ability to check your e-mail
box at least twice a day (piece of cake; here in Silicon Valley, we're 24/7 with email).
- Adults only accepted (we cannot hire underage people); (hey, that's job discrimination)
- Contact phone (Actually, mine sits on a desk; oh, you mean a cell phone? I've got lots of those.)
- Ability to handle packages weight up to 20 pounds(get them to the post office). (No problem, just throw them in the back of my Prius and I'm off. Do you reimburse for gas?)
.............SPAM THREE, MY DAILY QUOTA....
Att,Winner, (I've been waiting for AT&T to give something away after all the iPhone screw-ups.)
Your email address just won the sum of £500,000 pounds sterling in our
YEARLY AWARD as it attached to the winning ref number XYL/26510460037/07. (All Right! My ship has finally come to shore. Let's see, one pound = XXXUSD....Have to Google that one; I knew I chose a great email address, high five!)
In other to claim, please contact the claims department at the emailaddress provided below for proper verifications to be conducted. (Really glad this company is careful, considering how many email addresses there are.)
Delivery of Cheque contact: MR.STEPHEN MARIO (CLAIMS AGENT) via
Email:claimsagentdept001@gmail.com
Please provide him with your Secret pin code UY8765TKH and Your reference
number 26510460037/07 with your.
FULL NAMES (Sorry, I only have one.)
RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS
SEX (Yes)
COUNTRY
Congratulations.
Yours faithfully,
Online Coordinator.
(As they say in Fargo, "Thanks a Bunch!")
.............SPAM FOUR......O.K., JUST ONE MORE.......
ATTENTION!! (Yes, Sir or Maa'm or whoever)
It is likely that you have up to 20 POUNDS of excess weight and bad toxins built up in your system right now! (O.k., I need to get to the gym; don't rub it in.)
This precise buildup can be the cause to your noticeable daily lower energy levels, bloating, constipation, aches & cramps, and even excess gastral discomfort. (I knew it...I knew it....)
This area of buildup can be a severe breeding ground for harmful bacterias that live inside your body, increasing your chances of potentially forming Colon Cancer (Just got a clean bill of health, but hey, who doesn't want to lose a few pounds?)
TRY COLON CURE AT NO CHARGE! America's Favorite Colon Cleanse! Colon Cure provides the purest cleansing ingredients, accompanied by strong detoxifying agents, to fight inner body bacteria buildup. (I'm convinced; send me a case. Do you sell on Amazon?)
Just Googled "God," who comes in at a respectable 678,000,000, beating Death by 26 million hits. Now, let me check out that bacteria cleanser on Amazon...