MarketingBeyond

MobiChirp Sad About Everyone Who's Unemployed on Twitter

Mobi has been watching all the unemployed people with their heads down walking past his birch tree. You see, Mobi is a little bird on Twitter and reads all the mobile tweets about mobile phones. (Mobi even has an iPhone!)

But, lately, Mobi has been sad. He chirps and tweets and thirps and chitters, doing his best to make all his human friends smile. But lots of them don't have warm bird nests to sleep in. Some who lost their jobs don't have any homes. That makes Mobi feel bad.

Mobi perked up today, though, because MobiMarketing on Twitter told him about his free "18 Steps to Your Next Job" mp3.  So all Mobi's human friends can learn how to be happy.

Mobi is hoppin' and chirpin' tonight because MobiMarketing is giving away the audio link to everyone who starts following Mobi. That means that Mobi will have even more human friends who can tweet to him about the latest cool phones. Mobi is even sharpening his beak so he can tap away on his iPhone, G1 and BlackBerry Curve. (It takes its toll on Mobi's beak.)

Mobi got so happy tonight because several swans are now following him on Twitter and the big whale hasn't been seen in a long time. 

Everyone who sends a direct message to Mobi gets to hear MobiMarketing talk about how to get a job, plus a marketing plan form to get employed even faster.

Mobi quickly made copies of the form for Hopper and Chopper and MobiChitter and MobiFly so they could learn a new career just in case they lose their bird nests to MobiBank.

Mobi is looking forward to all the direct messages. People can even send Mobi a personal message on his own "bird friendly" contact form. Mobi likes to hear from his human friends.

Mobi slowly closed his eyes as he fell asleep in his Birch tree, dreaming about all his new friends.

MobiChitter--Best Website in Town for Twitter Mobile Chitter Chatter

Calling all mobile geeks, mobile marketers, advertisers, mobile developers: MobiChitter, a new site featuring mobile tweets launched today. MobiChitter combines all the best tweets and conversations found on Twitter's MobileBeyond, MobiChirp, MobiMarketing and MobiChitter.

Everytime users refresh the pages, new mobile content appears. MobiChirp, a little bird that loves his iPhone, G1 and BlackBerry, along with Hopper, Chopper and MobiGeek, got so excited today, they made a video of the MobiChirp choir.

Why only chatter when you can chitter? Check Out MobiChitter.

Deepak Chopra, Economic Uncertainty and Infinite Possibilities

I recently have been reading Deepak Chopra's thought-provoking books on Universal principles and believe everyone--economists, in particular--have much to learn from him about our economic doldrums.

Tom Lauricella, writing in today's Wall Street Journal ("Foundation of New World Order is Uncertainty), comments that "...investors find themselves in a new world where vast swaths of territory are marked 'unknown.'" Lauricella argues that availability of capital "...can no longer be taken for granted...[In the past] If one wave of money pulled out, it seemed that another was always coming in to fill the void...For now, any predictions are little more than guesses."

But when was it otherwise? If the great economic minds from history were sitting around a table in the White House today, what would they say? I would hope, at least, they would consider their predictions slightly above the level of guesses.

Economists, as many argue, are a strange lot--praised when their predictions materialize, scorned when wrong. I found this diddy online from JokeEC to humor you:

------------

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. 

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?" 
-----------------------

Lauricella in his WSJ article quotes an economic researcher who both posed and answered his own question: "'What happens when an irresistible force'--the Fed's actions--'hits an immovable object'--the paralyzed global economy?'...'The correct answer is there is no answer." I always find it amusing when people (especially economists) pose questions that have no answers.

Lauricella quotes more economic gobbledygook from a chief investment strategist: "'The credit-creation machine is semi-permanently impaired.'" This is similar to your doctor's assessment of a broken leg or why a formerly successful quarterback isn't playing in the NFL next year.

I would hope that most of us learned in 2008 that the old belief ("I win, you lose") doesn't work. Last year, for most of us, was a case of "I lose, you lose," a phrase that Hallmark will probably not consider in forthcoming birthday cards.

An alternative, which swept Obama into offiice, is "I win, you win." Convincing the American public, Wall Street and Congress about this radical philosophy is Obama's main leadership challenge as he takes office.

Deepak Chopra, a well-known author and M.D., provides some enlightening answers and observations about our current plight. He first says that belief is based on what's known and everything in the future is unknown--not something that would keep many economists gainfully employed.

But Chopra goes further. Quoting several physicists, Chopra explains the "discontinuity" theory about the Universe. Simply put, the entire Universe--including human consciousness--is a process consisting of sub-atomic particles or vibratiions that continuously turn on and off, appearing then disappearing.

When off, discontinuity occurs. Everything is empty. Physicists claim that in the off state nothing exists--no information or content. When questioned further, however, physicists say that in a state of discontinuity, the Universe offers infinite possibilities, infinite creativity--a condition where anything is possible.

For most of us, the sub-atomic world is not our daily reality. But imagine if we could glimpse it, if only for a few seconds? How would our lives change? If discontinuity provides infinite possibilities and unbounded creativity, leading to a reduction of fear and discord in our lives, miracles would become reality. Worry and strife about our economy, ourselves and others would greatly diminish. Our perceptions of the world would radically change.

Back to Lauricella and the Wall Street Journal article.

He asks a series of close-ended questions (only answerable as "yes" or "no"). Here are a few, followed by my re-phrasing creating open-ended questions:

"Might a cash-starved world mean a prolonged period when interest rates for corporate borrowers stay well above historic levels?" ("What can we do to increase credit for corporate borrowers?")

"Will there be a protracted retrenchment among heavily indebted consumers who carry mortgages bigger than the value of homes?" ("How can we improve the housing market and help consumers reduce debt to pay their mortgage payments?")

"What kind of a premium will investors pay for stocks that reliably churn out scarce cash in the form of dividends?" ("What steps can we take to boost corporate profitability resulting in increased dividends for stockholders?")

As Chopra would say, re-phrase the questions. Re-orient our thinking. Be mindful. Think creatively about the problems we face. There are infinite possibilities in the Universe.

Spam Email Marketing: Mules, Colon Cleansing & Free $$$

When I was a kid, my Mom--bless her heart--served spam for breakfast. Things haven't changed much, I guess. Spam now comes out of our computer e-mail programs rather than the frying pan, it's a lot less gooey but it still leaves a bad taste in the mouth.

Been spammed recently? The Google hits just went off the scale: "Email Spam = 22,770,000 and the plain variety--just "spam"--roll the drums, please.... 359,000,000. "Sex" delivered 852,000,000. "Death" came in at 652,000,000. And Michael Phelps has a long way to go; his Google hits just passed 10 million.

Spam is growing faster than corn in Iowa or the national debt. So we should keep things in perspective every time a spammer gets past our computer software filters.

I thought I'd share a few dicey ones with you so you have something amusing to discuss at breakfast. Here's a lady who would like to hire me--sight unseen. She sounds nice too:

----------------SPAM ONE.............

Good day,

My name is Julia Knowles, I work as an employee manager of Natural Resources Inc . Your resume has been found at one of job-sites, and here is the reason I’m eager to offer you an office in our company. (Heck, I really wanted a job, not just the office.)

The business of our company is to purchase and to sale (sic) mineral resources in Europe.

From the moment of the establishing (Poland, 1998)--good year for Polish sausages---our main occupation was coal trading, but further on we substantially broadened the sphere of our interests. (Yes, coal leaves much to be desired.)

We trade mostly in all kinds of the mineral resources being quarried both in Poland, and in other European countries. We render our service to companies as well as to individual investors. (I like being rendered; must save $$$ on the minerals.)

We develop more actively each year and now we are entering the US market of mineral resources and forming the establishment. (Aha, now we know the establishment is Poland-based.)

Our employees are capable to select an adaptable working chart, (I should have told my former boss about this) and we also propose a lot of optional partial vacancies (from several hours a day up)--hmmm, partial vacancies; sounds like a pink slip--and also for those who have no experience in this field, but sense how perspective this market in the US is and that it is not completely occupied yet. (Now, that's the kind of job I want--little competition with lots of perspective.)

Our employees are granted the best operating conditions (personal equipment for convenient communication and work - laptops and Blackberries/Apple iPhones/communicators), paid vacation and other bonuses. (Wow, this is better than Google!) We grant the annual pay of $ and the annual pay of $ for MBA holders. (I guess those MBA's just don't increase your income anymore...oh, well.) The annual pay for holders of other certificates is also discussible. (That's what one of my previous bosses told me, but we never discussed it.)  (The pay is given monthly, above the total annual salary is indicated). (You mean, I get a monthly and a yearly salary; count me in.)

We are always eager to respond to any questions and consider the terms of collaboration. You can contact us any time it’s comfortable for you.(You're on! What's your phone number?)

................SPAM TWO..........

Good morning,

My name is Sergey Markov. I am a manager of Magic PC Company. (Great name, I loved magic as a kid.)

Our company are reselling goods in Russia (Notebooks, digital cameras and etc). Often our clients prefer buy goods directly from US stores it more cheap then buy in Local russian shops. But most USA shops and stores not ship orders oversears. (Sears won't ship; I'll write the CEO.)

So we are offerring mail forwarding service for our clients. Quantity of orders from USA stores grows every day. So we need more partners in USA for order processing. (Yeah, getting those orders out the door is a hassle.)

We would like to offer the perspective partnership to you. We propose a vacancy of the regional agent. (Poor guy got canned, but his plight is my right, eh?) The average salary will be about $2000-4500 monthly. (Is it tax-free?)

Correspondence manager regional agent
Job description: - Mail Forwarding
Requirements:
- Home Computer with e-mail account and ability to check your e-mail
box at least twice a day (piece of cake; here in Silicon Valley, we're 24/7 with email).
- Adults only accepted (we cannot hire underage people); (hey, that's job discrimination)
- Contact phone (Actually, mine sits on a desk; oh, you mean a cell phone? I've got lots of those.)
- Ability to handle packages weight up to 20 pounds(get them to the post office). (No problem, just throw them in the back of my Prius and I'm off. Do you reimburse for gas?)

.............SPAM THREE, MY DAILY QUOTA....

Att,Winner, (I've been waiting for AT&T to give something away after all the iPhone screw-ups.)

Your email address just won the sum of £500,000 pounds sterling in our
YEARLY  AWARD as it attached to the winning ref number XYL/26510460037/07. (All Right! My ship has finally come to shore. Let's see, one pound = XXXUSD....Have to Google that one; I knew I chose a great email address, high five!)

In other to claim, please contact the claims department at the emailaddress provided below for proper verifications to be conducted. (Really glad this company is careful, considering how many email addresses there are.)

Delivery of Cheque contact: MR.STEPHEN MARIO (CLAIMS AGENT) via
Email:claimsagentdept001@gmail.com
Please provide him with your Secret pin code UY8765TKH and Your reference
number 26510460037/07 with your.

FULL NAMES (Sorry, I only have one.)
RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS
SEX (Yes)
COUNTRY

Congratulations.
Yours faithfully,
Online Coordinator.

(As they say in Fargo, "Thanks a Bunch!")

.............SPAM FOUR......O.K., JUST ONE MORE.......

ATTENTION!! (Yes, Sir or Maa'm or whoever)

It is likely that you have up to 20 POUNDS of excess weight and bad toxins built up in your system right now! (O.k., I need to get to the gym; don't rub it in.)

This precise buildup can be the cause to your noticeable daily lower energy levels, bloating, constipation, aches & cramps, and even excess gastral discomfort. (I knew it...I knew it....)

This area of buildup can be a severe breeding ground for harmful bacterias that live inside your body, increasing your chances of potentially forming Colon Cancer (Just got a clean bill of health, but hey, who doesn't want to lose a few pounds?)

TRY COLON CURE AT NO CHARGE! America's Favorite Colon Cleanse! Colon Cure provides the purest cleansing ingredients, accompanied by strong detoxifying agents, to fight inner body bacteria buildup. (I'm convinced; send me a case. Do you sell on Amazon?)

Just Googled "God," who comes in at a respectable 678,000,000, beating Death by 26 million hits. Now, let me check out that bacteria cleanser on Amazon...

Michael Phelps Signed Banana on eBay Worldwide

Michael Phelps, his agent and eBay sellers have been working hard to market the champion. Estimated lifetime value of Phelps' marketing and promotional contracts are now estimated at $100M, give or take a few million.

To my knowledge, Michael has yet to sign a banana for sale on eBay, but I fully expect to see one soon under "miscellaneous."  As of August 18th at 9:05 US Pacific time,  2,292 Michael Phelps items have sold on eBay worldwide (highest to lowest prices):
 
Autograph on an Olympic Ticket - $1,575
Autographed 2004 Rookie Cards - $1,500
Autographed 2004 Fans of the Game Card - $799
(Autographed items in the early adopter stage appear hot, although the one eBayer who tried selling an autographed Phelps' painting for $20K didn't make it.)

But...if you act right now....they're over 1,900 items on eBay WorldWide for your shopping pleasure:

Sports Memorabilia, Cards & Fan Shop (don't miss the tote bag) - 1,235

Books and Magazines (mostly magazine back issues) - 161

Entertainment Memorabilia (photos and such) - 177
(The women's recycled handmade magazine Eco looks interesting)

Clothing, Shoes and Accessories (Don't miss the unisex items) - 162

If you have some spare cash in your pocket, you'll want to review the "Amazing Pace" autographed book--$10,000 Buy It Now or "Make Best Offfer!!!" The seller describes it as the only one of its kind on eBay. So you should probably check it out.

Oh, and keep your eyes peeled for the banana.

The Six Steps: Symantec Norton SystemWorks Mail-In Rebates in a 2.0 Age

To receive your $20 ($50) Visa Prepaid Card from Symantec, please follow these six steps:

1. Purchase Norton SystemWorks Premier Edition between 7/30/08 @4 a.m. and 8/1/08 @2 p.m. (We would have given you more time, but our marketing crew felt that if we did, you might buy a competitor's product, and there's no way we're sending you $50 if you do that. So, just pretend it's the Friday after Thanksgiving and you're starting your Christmas shopping. Have fun. Get up early.)

2. Read, memorize and complete this rebate request form. (Sorry about the 2 point type and having to memorize the stuff, but Symantec truly believes that if you like our products and want the money, you should put some time into this thing.  And our marcom person, who's just learning how to use Publisher,  just couldn't make the type any larger after the lawyers added the legalese. So use a magnifying glass, complete the darn thing and mail it. And please don't write us about Web 2.0 and why we should do this on the Internet and why you have to memorize our form. What, do you think we're a software company or something?)

3. Enclose the original UPC code from Norton SystemWorks Premier Edition. The UPC code is a 12 digit bar code found on the bottom of the box. If you purchased this product in a DVD case, the UPC code is located on the back of the case. Photocopies will not be accepted. (We hate to be hard-nosed about it, but every time we do these rebate campaigns, someone ends up ripping us off with fake UPC codes or tearing out only part of the UPC. So, get a pair of scissors and do it right. And the hackers? How would you like someone ripping you off?)

4. Enclose a legible copy of your dated sales receipt from Fry's Electronics or Frys.com with the purchase price of Norton SystemWorks Premier edition circled. Handwritten or altered documents will not be accepted. If you purchased this product online, your dated sales receipt is your confirmation email from your online purchase. (You wouldn't believe how many nerds mail us a blurred copy of the sales receipt each year. If they'd just replace their ink cartridges once in a while, we wouldn't have to throw so many rebate requests in the trash. Also, it never fails, some customers just can't read; they forget to CIRCLE the product name! I mean, don't they read the instructions? The handwritten/altered docs? Our processing people just laugh and shred those requests right away. Then, at our annual Christmas party, we have a bon fire. Really makes the marketing team feel great watching all that paper going up in smoke. Eh? )

5. Make a copy of your rebate submission for future reference. Originals submitted become Symantec property and will not be returned. (Sorry about being hard-nosed about it, but if you can't remember to photocopy your own rebate submission, you should probably buy that other product. Symantec only wants customers with all neurons firing upstairs, you know what I mean? Plus it's OUR form. Do you know how long it took to write this thing? Have a heart, guys.)

6. Mail your submission to the following address (must be postmarked within 30 days of purchase):

    Symantec Corporation
    Attn. $50 USD Norton SystemWorks premier Edition Mail-In Rebate
    Offer # 08-27323
    P.O. Box 540029
    El Paso, TX 88554-0029

(We know, yeah, you have to mail two letters for the $20 and $50 rebates, but we have separate computers and staff for each offer, they come in from all around the country, and it's just a big hassle when you include both rebates in the same envelope. So, have a heart, will you? I mean, after all, WE protect your computers against all sorts of nasty Trojan Horses, Worms, emails full of garbage. Don't you think you owe us something? So put the two stamps on two separate envelopes, write the addresses clearly, and we'll send you your money, o.k.? Just a heads-up. We're changing the return addresses next year to Anchorage. We figure that should add at least 2 to 3 more days with the Post Office--and probably a lot more letters will get lost. So....that saves us money. Hey, don't tell anyone I mentioned this. My boss asked us to hush-hush it. Enjoy the Visa card, but remember. If you don't use it withn six months, we charge you a $3 maintenance fee. Hope you like the product.)

 











 

American Niche Association Announces Formation & New Online Service

News Release

April 15, 2009

Contact: Mary DaNiche

Bob Parsons, formerly CEO of GoDaddy and founder of Parson's Technology, today announced the formation of the American Niche Association (ANA) and an innovative online niche/product generator. Due to a severe shortage of new marketing niche's and new products and services, caused by the ecommerce boom, top marketing executives from numerous industries formed the ANA.

According to Parson's, "ANA's management felt that April 15th is an appropriate day to announce the ANA's formation and website services." He furtther commented that gasoline prices, which rose to $7.21 per gallon yesterday, was also a factor.

Based on a subscription model, the ANA's website--Get-Your-Niche.com--helps online sellers identify unserved market segments and suggests innovative new products and services to sell.

Get-Your-Niche is fully integrated with eBay, Amazon, PayPal, over three dozen shopping carts, Quickbooks and merchant accounts. Parsons remarked: "We're doing it just like we did it at GoDaddy--a one-stop shop to handle all niche issues...hey, we're even throwing in five new "Get a Niche" t-shirts for the first 100 people who sign up. Now, that's great marketing!"

Mary DaNiche, VP of Niche Marketing. gave several examples of new niches and products generated by  ANA's proprietary software (N = niche; P = product)

Circuses (N) - Elephant acrobatic training (P). DaNiche said Parsons was especially pleased with this one, because he loves circus performances and has never seen an elephant twirling in the air.

Political Campaigns (N) -  Politician shoe consulting (N). Very hot market, per Parsons. The 2008 elections revealed that candidates wearing the best leather won 75% of their races.

Mobile devices (N) - Celebrity engraving (P) Mobile manufacturers and carriers discovered in focus groups that personally signed mobile phones and other wireless devices were highly rated. For example, focus group members said they would pay up to $5K for a Britney Spear's Google phone. Parsons remarked that this niche targets the high-end demographic, especially public broadcasting viewers and listeners.

Books (N) -  Talking Books (P). Like greeting cards, readers/listeners, upon opening books, can listen to entire novels and non-fiction books, greatly reducing eyestrain.

Automotive (N) - Gasoline pump controls (P)  Installed underneath the gas cap, GPC's stop gas flow from the pump when charges reach $40. Mary DaNiche said: "I love this idea. Filling my Toyota Prius now costs over $70 and a GPC would save me $30--quite an invention...I want one."

Housing market (N) -  Foreclosure consulting (P).  Since the housing bust last year, Parsons said there's a growing need for consultants to advise lenders which properties to foreclose on, determine market discount pricing, and manage auction sales.

Health drinks (N) - Talking Jamba Juicers (P). Juicers, while playing recorded health messages and asking questions (ex.  "would you like a protein or anti-oxidant boost?")  Several models were discovered in the ANA database, including a Talking Jamba Juicer that announces vitamins, minerals and other ingredients as customers juice.

Internet browsers (N) - Social media network browsers (P).  Browsers that automatically register users on all social media sites as they become available. Browsers fill in user profiles and handle communications with users' growing networks of friends and associates  (ex. writing on Facebook walls, populating sites with audio, pictures and videos, responding to remarks, etc.) The ANA believes this is a "killer app." People can automatically connect to all social networks without touching a key on their computers.

Pets (N) - Cat herder transmitters (N). eCommerce experts all agree the pet market is super hot. This device produces high-pitched sounds, causing all cats within a range of 50 yards to gather together and slowly walk in circles. Per the ANA, it's a great gift for owners of 5 or more cats. Although it hasn't been tested on humans yet,  developers believe the transmitter will have the same effect on people, adding a new product to the business team-building training niche.

The ANA said its search engine keyword niche generator, integrated with the browser, is easy to use. Subscribers simply type in a few keywords and the website tool automatically generates over 50 niche's and 250 products per niche. Users may also place search engine ads on Google, Yahoo and other online advertising sites.

Instead of pay-per-click (PPC), the ANA's contracts with Google and Yahoo bill by pay-per-niche (PPN) and pay-per-product (PPP). Similar to eBay auctions, the ANA platform automatically increases PPN and PPP charges based on user bids.

Further information is available from the ANA online at Get-Your-Niche.Com.

Murdoch & Wall Street Journal Announce "Wall Street Lite--The 30 Minute Read"

Press Release

April 23, 2008

Contact: Whoever Answers the Phone

Media Mogul Rupert Murdoch today announced Wall Street Lite--The 30 Minute Read, a new version of the Wall Street Journal catering to newspaper readers seeking lively information and positive content to start their day.

According to Murdoch: "News Corporation's top management believes newspaper readers today want quick summaries of world, national and financial information--not long dissertations. Wall Street Lite (WSL) is the answer. I know we've been criticized for destroying print journalism, but just like Yahoo and Microsoft, it's time to 'bite the bullet' and make the hard decisions."

Marcus Brauchli, who recently resigned as the Journal's managing editor to accept a News Corp. consulting position, commented: "Our strategy is to morph WSJ into WSL quickly over the next few months, raising readership--especially among younger readers--by 25%."

Publisher Robert Thompson outlined specific WSL changes in the paper's "look and feel":

• New Masthead: "Wall Street Lite: The 30 Minute Read"
  
• Section and Column Title Changes and Add-Ons:
  
  
  
  • "Market Place" to "Market Space" to attract MySpace members who work on Wall Street
  • "Personal Journal" becomes "Let's Get Personal," providing financial, dining and dating advice
  • Front section's "What's New" changes to "What's Hot!," a quick review of positive events around the world, the nation and in the financial markets
  • A new column on page 2 tentatively called "Yada Yada." Thompson remarked: "We think there's room in WSL for a bit of trivia and light reading to start the day. 'Yada Yada' is the new home for unusual--even absurb--content. Maybe some New Yorker cartoons. We think it should be a winner."
  • "Money and Investing" morphs to "How to Make Money!"
  • An expanded reader forum called "Let's Chat." Thompson said the idea came from Mr. Brauchli as one of his first consulting recommendations. Readers can post online or send  text messages to WSL. Brauchli refused to comment.
  • Six columns are reduced to four increasing white space for video content.
• Other Changes:
  
  
  • "YouPod," a la David Pogue of the New York Times. Murdoch remarked: "Podcasting is growing fast as newspaper readership declines. Since Pogue cut back his column podcasts, we think 'YouPod,' covering technology and other topics in a humorous vein, will generate a lot of social buzz."
    
  • More Positive Headlines. Thompson feels newspapers are downers and WSL should put a "positive spin" in all articles. He provided a few examples:
    
    
    • "Dollar Hits New Low in Euros" to "Dollar readjusts its Value to Euros"
    • "Ford Announces Job Cuts" to "Ford Re-Positions Its Workforce for Greater Profitability"
    • "U.K. Home Prices Post Anemic Growth" to "U.K. Home Prices Rise 10% Since 2002"
    • "Wyeth's Profits Fall 4.6%" to "Wyeth Management Positive About Future Growth"
    • "Asia Shares Drop Across the Board" to "Asia Stock Market Exploring New Opportunities for Gain"
  • Story and Word Length. Thompson said: "I've just finished reviewing page-by-page the last three months of the Journal and we need to get back to basic English." Thompson proposed the following:
    
    
    • All front page stories end on the front page
    • Sentences limited to 12 or fewer words with no more than three syllables in each word
    • Adding "cool," "dude," and "awesome" to relevant articles. "Despite what the Social Networking Foundation says, we need to write like people talk these days...oh, and drop the 'Mr. this' and 'Ms. that.'"
  • Pictures and Videos. Working with WSI Online, Thompson proposes color pictures attached to each story on page one and videos, as appropriate, hosted on WSI Online. "I believe," Thompson said, "that 'Yada Yada,' in particular, is a great column for video content. Let's do it."

"To summarize," said Murdoch, "we're not going to destroy the Journal. We're reinventing it for a Web 2.0 world."

Zuckerberg & Social Network Alliance Announces Non-Social Media Websites

News Release

March 20, 2010

Contact: Beer Sterns

The Social Networking Federation, a consortium of all major social network websites, today announced the formation of several "Non-Social Media Networks," targeted at individuals who dislike each other, share few interests and want to vent about their least favorite social media site. According to Mark Zuckerberg, FaceBook's CEO, "the Federation, which convened five times during the past year concerning this matter, finally concluded that social media sites also need to serve individuals who are non-social, disagreeable, uncool and not awesome. SNF also feels social media members need an outlet to voice their concerns about our websites."

Contributing to the Federation's decision were Zuckerberg, Warren Buffet, Yahoo's recently-announced CEO who launched YahooSocial$, oriented to wealthy individuals who enjoy discussing the credit markets, Sally Sandy, who heads up the Medicare gift card program at Google Enterprises, Steve Jobs, who created iPhoneLetsHack, a site catering to unlocked iPhone users and Mike Lanman of VerizonCanYouHearMeNow, tailored to Verizon subscribers who spend a minimum of 12 hours a day on their cell.

Other social media execs who voted in favor of the proposition include Da Vido, engaged by Starbucks in 2008 for its viral marketing program. Star Buck, CEO of the Seattle company, remarked, "Starbucks was so delighted by Da Vido's song "Java Jitter" and his persistent attempts to sing at our stores that we created DaVidoJavaJitter.soc, a social site for folks who like caffeine and singing. Steve Ballmer at Microsoft announced: "I love the idea. Microsoft has been seeking a site for honest feedback from our customers about "Windows It's Alive" and our recent code problems with Internet Destroyer." And a spokesperson from RIM, makers of BlackBerry devices, commented: "I know we typically cater to the business crowd, who are too busy for social media but, heck, why not?"

Executives at YouTube, MySpace and LinkedIn unanimously opted-in for the concept. Commented Dick Cheney, newly elected CEO of YouTube: "We are 120% behind the effort. In fact, some of our returning Vets have already submitted videos about their experiences in Iraq."

Speaking on behalf of the SNF, Zuckerberg said that each company has already announced preliminary names for the non-social initiative. They include:

• InYourFaceBook.soc, aimed at individuals who've met, once liked each other and fell by the wayside.
• YahooUnSocial.soc, for former users of "My Yahoo" and Yahoo Mail, who've ceased emailing each other
• Google_I_You_No_Talk.soc, former T-Mobile customers who sold their GPhones on eBay, after T-Mobile dropped MyFaves
• iPhoneHackYou.soc, geared to former iPhone users whose handsets stopped working when iTunes released firmware version 2.6.4
• VerizonYouBetterNotHearMeNow.soc, a site for ex-Verizon users who dropped the service when Verizon reduced its $99 unlimited calling plan to an 18 hour a day maximum.
• StarbucksYouSuck.soc, a group of individuals who use Starbucks' Wi-Fi on their laptops to send and receive insulting text messages.
• VistaLiteOffLine.soc, allowing Microsoft customers to vent about Vista and Microsoft's decision to stop the distribution of its XP golf balls.
• UpYourTube.soc, primarily for ex-YouTube employees who grew tired of each other and viewing amateur videos, as well as veterans returning from Iraq who have lost Veterans Administration health benefits.
• NotYourSpace.soc, specifically directed at MySpace members who resented the plagiarism of their "About Me" profiles
• LinkedOut.soc, a necessary outlet for LinkedIn members whose networks are greater than 5 million people and who have answered more than 100 member questions.
• BlackBerry_12_Step.soc, a forthcoming RIM site dealing with email-addicted BlackBerry users, who delete more than 20 unread emails a day

Zuckerberg concluded with: "Executive Management at all social websites welcome everyone's ideas for new non-social sites."  Feedback may be left on SNF's non-social media site: NonSocialMedia.soc.

Social Networking Federation Bans "Awesome," "Cool" and "Dude"

News Release

March 16, 2008

Contact: Penelope Piscarelli

Social Networking Federation Bans "Awesome," "Cool" and "Dude"

 The Social Networking Federation (SNF), which regulates social networking site language, today announced the banning of the words "awesome," "cool," and "dude."

Jill Peterson, head of SNF's Language Control Administration (the LCA) commented: "We've been monitoring our member sites, as well as non-member blogs and websites. We conclude, based on a study by social networking medical researchers, that the overuse of these words has led to a decrease in human brain function."

A recent Google search by SNF researchers revealed a 75% hit increase since 2007:

"awesome" = 233,000,000
"cool" = 839,000,000
"dude" = 106,000,000

When combining the three words in several Google searches, SNF discovered an alarming overlap:

"awesome" + "cool" = 6,720,000
"awesome" + "dude" = 6,510,000
"cool" + "dude" = 4,070,000
"awesome" + "cool" + "dude" = 644,000
"awesome + "FaceBook" = 1,750,000
"awesome" + "MySpace" = 4,670,000
"cool" + "YouTube" = 8,920,000
"dude" + "Twitter" = 278,000
"awesome" + "LinkedIn" = 222,000

A MySpace video called  "Clap, Clap" on the "Awesome Cool Dudes" site, according to SNF, is an example of the growing neuronal deficit occurring on social web sites.  In another SNF study, researchers concluded that bloggers were most affected medically when using a combination of the three words. (See the "Awesome Dude" post on NewsBlog.)

The American Dental Association was quite pleased to discover that Captain Awesome's MySpace profile demonstrates excellent oral hygiene. (See "Captain Awesome is flossing because it's awesome.") However, SNF investigators who studied his profile became concerned when they read his "About Me" section: "I love my awesome life. I have a girlfriend, her name is Ellie! she is awesome. I save peoples lives. Oh, and i do everything that's awesome!"

The Funny FaceBook Status Blog, working in conjunction with SNF, discovered that "cool" is significantly lowering dopamine levels among FaceBook members. Blogger Dmitry Martin quoted an FB member at a party:

"saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and he thought, ‘That is cool.’ But then he saw another guy wearing a leather vest and he thought, ‘That is not cool’. Then he figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves."

LinkedIn, catering to business professionals, faces a similar challenge. Thad Leemaster in his LinkedIn profile, writes: "Super cool awesome information technology consulting company. We are looking for super cool awesome information technology people to join the explosive growth and award winning team."

Peterson cited a 25% increase in Bluetooth Neuron Disease, an ailment common to  mobile bluetooth headset users. Heavy BT users, especially those placing the headset in the right ear, showed reduced dopamine levels in the brain's left hemisphere. (Social media site users are usually addicted to bluetooth headsets, described as "cool" and "awesome" in a recent study by the Mobispheric Mobile Research Foundation--the MMRF).

Commented Peterson: "The bluetooth study and other mobile medical researchers predict a 50% reduction in dopamine neurotransmitters among bluetooth headset users, leading to non-functional human beings." Another spokesperson said: "Combined with the collapse of the mortgage and credit markets," this latest health ailment will only worsen social network members mental health."

Top management with the  major social networking sites--FaceBook, MySpace, Twitter and YouTube--immediately denied the validity of the research. Matt Zuckerberg  of FaceBook, blasted the studies, saying: "Awesome, cool and dude make up 50% of our members' communications. Denying the use of these words will greatly lower membership and cause anxiety attacks.'"

SNF has requested all social media sites replace cool, awesome and dude with one or more of the following:

1. Great
2. Outstanding
3. Super
4. Mind Blowing
5. Super Guy/Gal
6. Incredible
7. Earth-shaking
8. Stupendous

SNF also recommended each social website send dictionary and thesaurus links to all members, eventually expanding member vocabularies and increasing brain dopamine levels.

News Release: Verizon Wireless Announces $99 "Talk All You Want" with Rollover Plan

News Release

February 19, 2008

Contact: Vera Izon

For Immediate Release

Verizon Wireless today, pressured by declining voice plan revenues, announced a new and innovative $99 "Talk All You Want" plan with rollover.

Ivan Seidenberg, Verizon Wireless' CEO, said: "Verizon realizes that American consumer and business users, as they've eliminated their landlines for cell phones, want free roaming, cheaper prices and, quite frankly, more wireless minutes." Seldenberg added: "We've one-upped AT&T Mobility [AT&T announced a similar plan today] with unlimited mobile calling including rollover minutes."

 When questioned how rollover minutes would work with an unlimited voice plan, Seidenberg gave this example:

"O.K, here's how it works. Let's say you, as a Verizon Wireless customer, talk for an average of 12 hours a day. That's 720 minutes per day or around 21,000 minutes per month. Well, you've only used up half of all total monthly minutes of 42,000. Verizon just rolls the extra 21,000 minutes forward to the next month. So now you can talk for 18 hours a day on the best network in America and never fall behind on your voice plan. We think that's a good deal."

A spokesperson for Verizon Wireless, who requested anonymity, confirmed that if Verizon customers switch back from "Talk All You Want" to a plan with fewer minutes, they're charged 42 cents a minute for all unused rollover minutes. For example, if a customer has a surplus of 70,000 rollover minutes--and then changes to a plan with fewer minutes--the next Verizon Wireless bill would be $29,400--due in twelve easy payments in the next year. The spokesperson added there's a 2% discount if a customer opens a Verizon Wireless credit card account.

Vera Izon, Mr. Seldenberg's executive assistant, commented: "We believe all other carriers will emulate Verizon's 'Talk All You Want' plan, Sprint, in particular." (Sprint Chief Executive Dan Hesse, who recently joined the troubled company, previously announced his intentions for a total unlimited voice and data plan.) Izon retorted: "Although our $99 'Talk All You Want' plan doesn't yet include data, we're planning a new plan, similar to Sprint's, called "VerizonSpeed."

Verizon Wireless CMO Mike Lanman remarked: "With the introduction of the LG Voyager and other high-end mobile phones, we'd like our customers to think of us as 'the second Apple.' You want touch; we give you touch. You want Google maps; we give you Google maps." Lanman also revealed that Verizon Wireless will soon announce the Veritunes music store to compete with Apple's iTunes. Commented Lanman: "We don't think that Apple should have all the fun. You want tunes; we give you tunes." (A product marketing manager, who also requested anonymity, said Verizon Wireless will release the "vPhone" in Q2 of this year with activation via Veritunes.)

Meanwhile, Verizon Wireless' famous "test man," Paul Marcarelli,  will start production on Verizon's new "Talk All You Want" billboard and TV campaigns. Marcarelli candidly said: "You know, I was kinda getting tired of repeating 'can you hear me now?' I think it's goin' to be really cool to get a new phrase."

Finally, in a report to stockholders, Seidenberg said: "Since the iPhone knocked us for a loop, we're looking forward to delighting our customers with the new voice plan. We're next thinking about a "Do It with Data" campaign, which should make the cash register ring. Lots of data downloads: ring tones, wall paper and a Web experience that can't be beat." A rumor circulating at Verizon has it that former Apple exec Mack Tosh is joining Verizon Wireless to develop marketing strategies for the vPhone and "Talk All You Want" campaigns.

Economy Hurting Marketing Campaigns? Thinking of Joining a 12-Step Program?

One of the biggest marketing challenges--whether pushing mobile devices or stuffed teddy bears--is getting noticed and not ignored. As a marketer, you write news releases, create product and pricing strategies, maybe advertise a bit. But you still have a gut feeling no one's listening. Not good for your social life. Worse if your boss is pushing for increased sales.

Read the rest on Mobile Telephone Marketing.

News Release: Yahoo Sells Off Divisons - Stock Skyrockets to $200

News Release

Date: April 15, 2009

Contact: Ya Hoo

After a bitter struggle with Microsoft to acquire Yahoo in 2008, Yahoo's Board of Directors yesterday announced the piecemeal divestiture of all individual Yahoo units to maximize stockholder profits. (Microsoft acquired GodZoogle after Yahoo refused its top bid of $85.6 billion dollars last year.)

Warren Buffet, one of the wealthiest men alive and newly appointed Yahoo C.E.O, said: "After assessing Yahoo's financial situation, I recommended a "slice-and-dice," cafeteria-style sell-off to ensure the highest return for Yahoo's stockholders."  (Stockholders stand to gain an estimated $225 per share after SEC approval of the deal, deliverable in cash or gift cards.)

Pending approval, the Yahoo board approved the following sell-offs:

• Yahoo Mail to the United States Post Office. Postmaster General John Potter commented: "Expanding our email services for 'track and confirm' searches is one of our top priorities. We welcome the integration of Yahoo Mail and USPS' existing platform." Current users of Yahoo mail may keep their current user names, but must add a new sub-domain "yahoo.usps.com."
• Yahoo Search and Yahoo Answers to Ask.com. Scott Garell, President of the company, said he was "absolutely delighted...We look forward to expanding our search and answer services on a global scale." (Former C.E.O. Jim Lanzone left the company in January, 2008 after a shake-up, following another former C.E.O.'s departure--Steve Berkowitz-- who joined Microsoft in 2006 to guide its online ventures.) Additional comments about the Yahoo acquisition were not available since the executive suite is empty.

• Yahoo Search Marketing (all countries) to the Greed Insurance Corporation, a newly created  government agency whose mission is to resolve the subprime mortage crisis and worldwide credit crunch. Mr. Buffet explained: "Just as I donated billions to Bill Gate's foundation, Yahoo and all companies should share the wealth for good causes." GIC's response to the announcement was ecstatic. Gordon Gecko of the GIC remarked: "Yahoo and Mr. Buffett's largesse is critical to our cause--ensuring global economic profitability and stability."
• Yahoo Autos, Finance, Shopping and Real Estate to The National Newspaper Association--the official organization representing newspapers, publishers and editors. Former President George Bush, when he heard of the news, said: "I'm just really excited about the sale. Newspapers have been losing advertising revenues for years and Yahoo's sell-off of these properties gives newspapers a new lease on life. Boy, when I was President, I read several newspapers every day, keeping me informed about the war in Iraq and national news. The comics were great on Sundays too."

• Yahoo Movies to YouTube. A spokesperson for YouTube said she was "delighted" that Yahoo accepted our offer. "This will add quality content to our new 'movie snippet' strategy."

The Yahoo board has yet to announce the new owners of Yahoo Groups, Hotjobs, Games, Maps, Personals, Travel and other properties.

News Release: Microsoft Announces GodZoogle Acquisition

Microsoft Press Release

January 5, 2009

Contact: Red Redmond

Microsoft today announced the acquisition of GodZoogle, the largest global online search and advertising company, for $1.25 trillion dollars, the highest price ever paid for a public company in the United States. This follows a failed effort by Microsoft to acquire Yahoo in 2008 for a top bid of $85.6 billion.

Chris Liddell, Microsoft's CFO, said: "We are delighted to welcome GodZoogle to the Microsoft family of companies. The combination of GodZoogle's search and advertising services with Microsoft's makes Microsoft the global leader in both computer operating systems and Internet services."

To finance the deal, Microsoft used its $21 billion in assets, issued  new corporate bonds, obtained a loan from the Federal Large Business Administration and acquired unused gift cards. To avoid a credit crunch, Microsoft, working with President Romney, also borrowed from the Greed Insurance Corporation, created on Romney's first day in office.

Kevin Johnson, Microsoft's chief exec responsible for online growth, commented: "I love business, I love technology, I love customers, and I love people."  To welcome GodZoogle's advertisers and employees to Microsoft, the company is giving away a one year's subscription to Vista Lite Online with an enhanced version of "Window's It's Alive" called "GodZoogle Let's Party." A free copy of VLO's 400 page "Getting Acquainted"  user guide is also included.

Bill Gates, Microsoft's founder, commented: "The merger of GodZoogle with Microsoft enables us to deliver on one platform substantial customer value." To ensure a successful kick-off, Gates said, "we're launching a viral marketing campaign with New York's Da Vido, who did an outstanding job for Starbucks in its 2008 viral campaign. I will also out of my own funds privately publish Da Vido's "Java Jitters" CD. We've been speaking with Da Vido about changing his album's name to "GodZoogle Java Jitters," and he is 100% behind this invigorating market launch of our new services." Gates added that Microsoft is committed to total customer satisfaction and is adopting Target's customer service as its model.

Mr. Gates also announced the creation of Gikipedia, saying "while I personally believe Wikipedia has done an outstanding job compiling important world information, we believe that the vast information resources of GodZoogle require a separate web site addressing the significant growth in knolling and GodZoogling taking place on the planet.

Steve Ballmer, Microsoft's C.E.O. and chief advocate of the GodZoogle acquisition, today commented: "We at Microsoft not only want to deliver value to our expanded customer base. We want everyone associated with our company to have fun. As a result, we are revamping Microsoft's expanded web site for easy and fun navigation, similar to Apple's design."  Ballmer added: "Since Microsoft and GodZoogle will use more power to deliver its services, we're today announcing our support of the Blogosphere Power Consumption Agency.

In a related development, Microsoft announced the release of the GodPhone, a deltoid-enabled, open-architecture mobile device. Ballmer commented: "We firmly believe that, while the iPhone was a significant advance in mobile technology, the GodPhone better adhers to Open Handset Alliance standards for a Mobispheric device." Microsoft's strategic plan is to compete with AT&T Mobility in the 700Mhz spectrum to deliver innovative mobile data services. Says Ballmer: "We've learned from Steve Jobs and Apple that you need a sound, reasonable and consumer-driven marketing strategy to make it in the mobile world. Steve did o.k. We'll do better.

 

In a new Alliance with Apple and Mr. Jobs, Ballmer said that Apple, Microsoft and GodZoogle are planning a joint Christmas release of new phones. Jobs commented: "Although Microsoft and Apple are competitors, we strongly believe we target different audiences--cool and awesome customers for Apple and the pin-stripe crowd for Microsoft. We've nothing to fear." Ballmer concurred, saying "you'll love our Christmas surprise."

 

According to Microsoft marketing management, the GodPhone delivers these features and benefits:

1. A large touch screen similar to the iPhone's. "Touch is it," according to top marketing execs.
2. Twice the battery power of the iPhone.
3. Verbal Text Messaging
4. Guaranteed Information Privacy. According to a top Microsoft marketer, "we'll never use private information for corporate gain. You can count on it."
5. Superior Technical Support. According to one marketing spokesperson: "If you're on the planet, you can chat with us 24/7."
6. Free Text Messaging During Earthquakes. Ballmer said: "I love California, I always have. Microsoft will not desert you in your time of need. So...text away...it's on us."

Before departing San Jose International Airport, Mr. Ballmer mentioned the formation of GodZoogle Savings and Loan, subsidized by the Feds and GodZoogle, to assist all nation's impacted by the subprime mortgage crisis. "We're here to help any nation on Earth. That's the Microsoft and GodZoogle mission." Ballmer commented: "I love Microsoft and I love America."

DaVido Acquires Bluetooth Neuron Disease: Viral Marketing at its Best

The American Academy of Bluetooth Physicians recently announced a new mobile illness called "Bluetooth Neuron Disease." Symptoms include loss of reality, increased musical abilities and bipolar depression. The disease is spreading rapidly among iPhone users who place Starbuck orders using a paired bluetooth headset. DaVido, a singer obsessed with Starbucks, recently acquired the disease. The full story on Mobile Telephony Innovations.